I haven’t been hones to myself

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For nine years beginning when I was 19 years old, I had a ”secret” blog

http://somanyassholessofewbullets.blogspot.com/

As the name indicates it wasn’t exactly a feel-good motivational blog with ”fab” pictures and ”good vibes”, but rather a self-deprecating and sometimes cynical commentary on my everyday life as a confused young adult. It was about my anxieties (often fueled by alcohol), my ”rollercoaster” self-confidence and ”Emo Poems” where I made fun of myself and my life in various ways. Sarcasm, brutal honesty and uncomfortable openness were my MO. This was back when blogs were the new thing and I remember how much I disliked that most of them were about people posting pictures of themselves in ”today’s outfit” together with cheerful comments. I couldn’t relate to that at all. I wanted to express myself in a different way, like “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” meets “Eat Pray Love”, if that makes any sense.

I’m basically still the same person I was back then, but looking at my Instagram I’ve realized that something has been lost along the way. It’s difficult to see any real depth among the “perfect” pictures and motivational texts. If the readers of my old blog have been following me on Instagram, they must’ve been waiting for a surprise twist where I’d reveal that my Instagram really was a hoax, an elaborate social media experiment where I’d portrayed myself as a ”standard” social media influencer only to see if I could get away with it. And that I then suddenly would start speaking honestly about myself and my life. But that day didn’t happen. Instead, it’s been all ”perfect”, ”amazing” and ”smiles” without much of reality. It seems that I’ve become the kind of person on social media that I previously joked about!

I can’t explain why it happened or why I’ve let it continue so long. Maybe it has to do with the nature of existing social media, which favors inauthenticity over the complexity of real life? Or with my current environment, where it often is all too easy to be labeled as ”unwomanly” for being ”unconventional”? Whatever the reason, I’ve realized that I no longer can project an image that is so far removed from who I actually am. I’ve also realized that I need to express myself in writing, and that my old blog gave me release and satisfaction that I miss. Quite frankly, I’m tired of censoring myself in fear of people not appreciating my true self. It’s like I have created my own internal dictatorship with no freedom of speech.

With these words I hope to begin a new (and slightly scary) chapter in my digital presence, a chapter where I am true to myself and especially to you, my dear readers

 

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